Hey Adam, can we have our football back?

Rarely is my patience for idiocy stretched to the point where I feel I must dust off the keyboard and clear my virtual throat for a rant. And seldom do I express a loathing for anything relating to sport, notwithstanding my previous berating of Elderick Tont Woods – and yes, that is his name; a name that befits an ageing has-been. Sadly, however, idiocy and sport too often meet. They have, once again, eloped into a sordid sunset for a brief and catastrophic romance, which, on this occasion, has resulted in the national icon, Eddie McGuire.

Before I continue, allow me to douse the flames of abuse already crackling in the mouths of Eddie-lovers out there. I have nothing against the man. I have always admired his autocue and earpiece skills used with aplomb to give the impression of being intellectually gifted on Millionaire Hot Seat. I have watched in awe at the restrained, eloquent advice he often metes out to umpires when proudly wearing a Collingwood tie. It is along this AFL vein, however, that I take umbrage. The season is finally upon us and this year we have been subjected to countless instalments of Eddie’s supposedly rousing AFL promotional message.

In this glossy marketing video, we are treated to a string of astonishing marks that defy gravity, a montage of emotional moments from the 2011 season and a series of references to pride, strength, grit and determination that appear to make up the modern-day player. However, the last line out of Eddie’s multi-chinned mouth suggests that the things we love about football today – the drama, the excitement, the skill, the sublime, the unfolding seasonal stories of success and failure – have absolutely nothing to do with the game’s natural, historical evolution. Apparently, according to Eddie, old Tom Willis was not one of the founding fathers of this great game back in 1858. Apparently, according to Eddie, the origins cannot be traced back to rugby or the even older “foot balle” played in Ireland in 1527. According to Eddie, this game’s origins go much farther back, to the dawn of time, in fact. According to Eddie – wait for it – footie is “the greatest thing God ever invented.”

Yes people, footie is not just the greatest sport God invented, but the greatest thing He invented. Never mind the apparent genius behind the construction of a woodpecker’s tongue. Never mind the deft touch it must have taken to knock together the Great Barrier Reef. Evidently, as God was engineering an entire planet – in the dark, as Ricky Gervais so brilliantly points out – He amazingly had time to suggest a quick backyard Garden of Eden kick-about for Adam and Eve. Of course! It wasn’t an apple, it was a shiny new Sherrin!

What an absurd, ill-advised and ignorant thing to say about a sport. I say ill-advised because I can only assume, somewhat in Eddie’s defence, that some ad agency flunkie with a scraggly beard, a John Deere cap and Onitsuka Tiger trainers, who is convinced he sits somewhere near the Stephen Colbert end of the wit scale, has stuffed these pearls of wisdom into Eddie’s mouth. But more fool Mr. McGuire for uttering the words without protest! Isn’t it bad enough we invented the idea of a God, let alone the notion he returned the favour with an oval-shaped leather ball? Are we delusional? Why can we not just give ourselves a pat on the back and say, “footie is the greatest thing we’ve ever invented”? OK, it’s not, but you get my point.

At the end of the day, I must confess it is neither the fault of Edward McGuire, nor of the Zach Galafianakis-wannabe ad agency flunkie. It is the fault of the AFL’s governing body who commissioned this drivel. The magic of sport, in all its disciplines, is that it is supposed to circumvent all things relating to politics and religion, ensuring it is played in its purest of forms and most natural of manners: competitively; respectfully; enjoyably. If the AFL is aiming to embrace a multitude of cultures and communities in this country, then why is footie not the greatest thing Allah ever invented, or Ishvara, or Yahweh? Well, I’ll tell you why: for the simple reason that we humans, through a period of amazing evolution, invented footie ourselves. As we did the wheel, the second wheel, tiddlywinks, cheese rolling and the ahh-bra.